showing up

I was thinking about my evening tonight. It was fun. I went out for Thai food with friends after the meeting. This is the direct result of mostly just showing up. every week same bat time same bat meeting. Sounds easy doesn't it? Well, yes and no. See, that kind of showing up means showing up even when I don't want to. Showing up when I'm sure everyone there thinks I'm an idiot. Showing up when I could not stop crying. Showing up when I was really glad to be there. Helping set up, helping wash dishes, helping put stuff away. Meeting people's eyes, talking to them, remembering to ask how THEY are, yeah, some of that is difficult. The thing is that after a while it begins to pay off. People get comfortable and begin to feel safe when ya keep showing up. They do crazy things like give you a key to a big East End church (two big East End churches, actually). I've been going to this same meeting for a year. I was asked to be the secretary (a far cry from when my sponsor just announced to me that I would be the secretary some 17-17 1/2 years ago in a meeting that no longer exisits). I was taken out to dinner to celebrate my anniversary last Friday. Which was very cool because it was on the day and all. And quite unexpected. We did the same for another woman who has 17 years tonight. (her anniversary was actually Tuesday). See, all along what I've wanted was attention. But it has taken me a long time to figure out what kind of attention I REALLY wanted. Now, I am pretty sure that I want positive attention and from people with whom I've built some kind of relationship. But, since I've never actually done this before I had no idea that the middle bit of the journey could actually be harder than the beginning. See, the beginning is hard because everything and everyone is new. I don't really do well in those situations. Being in a new situation can be so overwhelming that I sort of shut out a lot. Like I'm overstimulated and I can't take it all in. Keeps me safe. Apparently enough gets in for me to be able to decide whether I want to go there or do that again. It's better than it used to be but still uncomfortable and overwhelming. Then, comes the middle part where I've been there and done that before. I'm getting comfortable and able to take in more of who is there and what is going on around me. Then if I really like it and want to be a part of what is going on it becomes painful because I am still not really there yet. I just want to be. I know names and faces but not the real dynamics yet. Not a part of anything just a regular bystander. What has happened now is that I am clearly past the point where I am a bystander. (I get to call group conscience meetings.) I am a part of something that I wanted to be a part of. I'm glad that in the middle, horrible, lonely bit I did not go with the idea that I should just stop torturing myself and go back and play with the familiar but unhealthy folks I had been playing with.
Clearly, any one who would be my instant friend should be a BIG RED FLAG!!